I've reached a "midlife crisis" of sorts. And I'm only 23. What do I want to be when I grow up? Have I wasted 3 years of college only to realize I dont want to do what I was majoring in? Where should I go to school? With this economy, what is the most realistic job I COULD have? Where can I get the $ to pursue all these things? Where should I live? I'm 23 and I feel like I'm runnin out of time because I dont want to spend the next few years 'floating' around tryin to figure it out..yea..overwhelmed.
We've all heard the cliche phrases thrown at us that "you can do anything you set your mind to", "you can be anything you want to be", "you CAN fulfill your dreams"..yea please...Yes and No. Overall, you gotta be willing to fail to succeed. And sometimes you may just NOT succeed. Not everyone is destined to live out their wildest dreams. If that were the case, everyone would be doing it. In alot of cases, having the $ to do something makes it easier and more accessible. In other cases, connections are everything. IN all cases, hard work, determination, and mental strength are the keys to never giving up. But at what point in the trying, struggling, and working is it acceptable to realize that thats NOT what your destined to be/do no matter how much you want it?
I've played violin since I was 6 and piano since I was 5. Not by choice, but my parents made me. I was always the tomboy. Give me a basketball, baseball, or anything involving sports and I wanted to be there. But, alas, my parents saw the potential of my musicianship and forced me to stay with my musical studies..dragging..(yes, in some cases, LITERALLY) to orchestra rehearsals, concerts, lessons, auditions...and I hated most of it. It wasnt something I thought I loved or truly enjoyed. I never really put my all into it, never practiced that much, but I found after winning competitions and all that jazz (and no I'm not usin this as a brag fest) I was just naturally gifted at it.
My dream, however was to become a psychologist. To use my inept abilities of feeling what others are feeling, listening to people's problems, and wanting to help them in a proactive, productive way. However, I got coerced into coming to the Schwob school of Music with the potential of a full ride scholarship for violin. *as advised by Pat Cobos* I auditioned. But my heart wasnt in it. I got in. BUt no full scholarship. And there was a new teacher coming in. Second semester I get pushed, prodded, and manipulated to switch to viola. Instead of having a backbone, I decided to do it because I thought my teachers knew best. But I immediately saw that I had made an unwise decision. The pressure of starting to learn all viola repertoire as a freshman in COLLEGE immediately begin to weigh on me. I had never even touched a viola before and I wasnt able to play it like a viola and could literally manipulate my fingers to do what they used to do on the violin. I sought guidance for technique troubles..But got none. I was receiving pressure all around about performing in various small ensembles (as there were no other violas really) and I wasnt even confident in what the hell I was doing. And somehow, I had to focus on my other core classes, other music classes, attend orchestra rehearsals AND somehow still function.
The pressure only worsened as my college career progressed. I felt way behind in learning all the repertoire as i still didnt feel I knew what I was doing, was beginning to have major pains in my arms/hands/fingers/kneck from playing, still couldnt play up to the par I thought was necessary and all the criticism I was receiving wasnt helping. I pushed myself to practice technique exercises to try and fix my problems myself. Slowly I started noticing changes. And then a new teacher came in and helped a bit with some of the other things. But overall, I realized I was beginning to hate music. I was hating how some students got special treatment, yet others had to go above and beyond to get shit done. I was wondering what the hell I was gonna do with a music degree anyway as I didnt want to teach, knew I wasnt going to be a concert performer, and overall realized I wasnt passionate about "all things music" like every other music major. I didnt care about the history of classical composers, chord progressions, blah blah blah..I felt like a COMPLETE poser.. All I enjoyed doing was playing and creating music. Thats it. So I began to question why I was doing what I was doing. And then the stress of recitals, rehearsals, school work load, teachers, etc etc took a major toll on my physical health...and I had to leave.
So after taking a huge break from school, I've had to evaluate what I want out of life. My natural gifts lie with music. I enjoy performing, I enjoy creating, and I enjoy the art and beauty of music. And that extends far beyond the classical realm...However, unless I get a gig touring/perfoming with a major band, orchestra or ensemble, I dont know what I'd do with a degree in music.
Then there's the other side of me that dreams of becoming a licensed counselor. Working with the military, perhaps a sports psychologist, maybe even a victim's advocate...I see this field expanding and know there would be job security with it. However, that means I'd need a masters and perhaps a doctorate (depending on how far I want to go). If I switched majors now (which is what I've done, yet not started my classes) I'd be taking on 2+ years to a bachelors degree that I'm 3 years into..and unfortunately switching from Music to Psychology doesnt leave alot of transferrable credits. And then of course I'd need an internship and a Masters degree.
Then recently there's been the side of me thats looking at just finishing my music degree and THEN going to get my masters in Psych. But that would mean auditions, more stress of the whole music thing, etc etc..University of West Florida and North Georgia College and State University have teachers that I'm very interested in. Unfortunately, because I've taken quite a break from music and the violin, I have alot of catching up to do in a short amount of time. Im not interested in putting off ANOTHER semester of school but I dont want to stress myself out over this. If I had all the $ in the world, it'd be an easy decision. I'd just go to the school of my choice without the worry of trying to get scholarships (as is the issue with Univ of West Fl).
So herein lies my predicament. I can never foresee myself throwing away my love for music entirely, but I'm stressed to the max on work my ass off in tryin to get back into a music degree program and finish my degree there in 1 year or so or go ahead and switch to the Psych. But I dont want to have regrets....and I dont want to waste any more time
Pursuing dreams or pursuing reality...or are they both intertwined? U gotta dream big to achieve big, but when are your dreams to big to realize? Obstacles are in the way for a reason and should you just keep pushing through, exhausted, with the HOPE if reaching that dream? Or should you stick to the safe route? I know I'm not destined for some half ass life where I make no impact...I know I've been through the struggle, the pain, the happiness, and been given the gifts to make an impact in this world somewhere and somehow...but the "how" is the problem..
I know I just gotta do me regardless..because if I'm not doin me, then I dont know what the fuck I'm doin...but right now, I'm stuck at a crossroads in life..
